How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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