When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
