9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
