grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize