Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
