Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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