i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
