I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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