Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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