Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
