proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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