An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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