i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
