were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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