At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Randomize
