yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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