I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
