At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So here I am, sexting at work.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
