It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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