I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
