it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize