just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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