So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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