Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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