He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
