call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
