can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
