if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I deserve this hangover.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
