i barfeds in our rink
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
