forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
