God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
