i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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