it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
