I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
