Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
id be glad to
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
