I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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