Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
