So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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