Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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