20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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