and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize