Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
