When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
