If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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