Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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