you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
