nut hugger
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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