Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
