I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When are your genitals available?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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