she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
