I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
