Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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