he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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