I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
