he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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