i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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