My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
