There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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