Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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