Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
