bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
