Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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