sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize