The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
